Living under a cloud

I spent a good deal of my life trying to get out from under the cloud that seemed to follow me around, the kind of ‘trying’ that probably made me rather difficult to be around on occasion. This cloud meant that despite my talents and aspirations, I seemed to be unable to move forward with my own life and remained anchored to my past. It was most frustrating.

I was assured that various self help strategies or therapist-led sessions would liberate me but they were only ever partially effective. I tried many modalities over the years but old patterns would still be inadvertently triggered and I always felt it was one step forward, two steps back. The effect of this anchor wore away at my resolve to get somewhere in life, especially as I watched the backs of all those who steamed past me, and a feeling of depression would lurk in the nearby shadows.

Beneath the frustration I longed for real freedom. Sometimes this had me seek pastures new. The stimulation was useful in encountering new friendships and experiences that taught me the intricacies of relating to others. I learned deeply and thoroughly because I had a subconscious ‘need’ to know, to understand, and yes, to fix my past.

And learn I did, oh so painfully, for I couldn’t give up until I found my answers. Over time I reconstructed a present-day version of my past so that I could face and understand my pain; I fell apart before finally reigniting my spark, then began the long climb back to my old self. But this time, I didn’t stop there — I steamed past my old self, resolving to become stronger than ever before — a better, newer version unlike any in the past.

I entered a long period of clearing away all that undermined me in any way, and saw people and situations in a new light. It was during this clearing process that I stared into the face of what had held me back for all those years, and I knew it was time to make a major cut. I had stripped away many layers of painful memories to reach that place, and I knew I was ready to do what I had always feared.

It was knowing myself well enough that held me steady as I processed that experience, and then as a much lighter wave of grief swept through me, I knew the process was complete. I had finally broken free.

Within hours, the pressure I couldn’t remember being without began to lift; a new feeling of positivity and optimism began to swell within me, and I started to feel that long forgotten spring of joy starting to bubble up inside me once more.

That realisation of my inner freedom was pure magic, not to mention my newfound ability to work steadily through learning situations and actually start completing things. I found I can actually build something for myself.

But more importantly, I realised I now know how to utilise my experiences to help others find freedom from their past. I may not have totally completed this seemingly endless healing journey, but through the use of my various tools, intuition and the strength I’ve developed, I can take others to a place where they can break free of what’s held them back, and stare wide-eyed into their own future of possibilities. As the saying goes: “if you seek a guide, find someone who has already trod that path”.